Homeless, with honeys

You know something you just don’t see very often?

A homeless guy pushing a shopping cart full of empty cans, with a couple of nice-looking ladies on his arm.

I’m no sociologist, but I could guess as to the socio-economic realities of mating in our society that make this scenario unlikely.

But I won't.

Instead, I’m going to imagine this scenario as a performance art project.

Imagine a regular guy - like me, for example - dressing up in the finest street-guy chic. I’d be wearing sweatpants (don’t worry, those are chocolate stains) and mismatched gumboots. Plus a wool hat, a pair of those gloves with the fingers cut off, and about two months worth of facial hair (complete with cigarette ash and twigs, natch).

Then I’d buy gifts for my girlfriend and another lady friend, to convince them to dress up as what the kids today call “hotties”. (Thong? Check. Baby-tee with a slutty saying like “Eleven inches deep”? Check.)

I know you’re probably thinking the two women should be wearing mini-skirts and halter-tops, but you’re wrong. Because then I’d look like a homeless guy who had saved up six weeks worth of Sprite cans just to hire two hookers to help me dumpster dive. And that’s not the effect I’m going for.

Me and the sweet ladies would get us a shopping cart (they give them out for free at the supermarket) and some empty cans, and we'd take to the streets. We’d all take turns pushing the cart, and just cruise around town blowing people’s minds.

Good plan? Lousy plan? Let’s examine the pros and cons.

Pros:
It will cause people to question their dearly held concepts of the importance of economic stability (and personal hygiene) to North American females in search of a mate.
It’ll blow people’s freakin’ minds.
It’ll give me a chance to finally return all those empty Rock-a-Berry Cooler bottles.

Cons:
It’s the kind of idea that Johnny Knoxville probably thought of for “Jackass”, but then rejected as being too sophomoric.
It’s fundamentally mean-spirited, rude and stupid.
Doing this would make me a performance artist.

Well, that settles it. I’m not going to do it.
And its not because I’m too lazy. I’ts because I’m mature.