(Imagined) Telephone call to a number I found on a “Missing Pet” poster

Me: I found your pet.

Kid: You did?

Me: I think so. It’s a little porcupine looking thing, right? Spines and whatnot?

Kid: It’s a hedgehog.

Me: What’s its name?

Kid: Hazelnut.

Me: You called your hedgehog Hazelnut?

Kid: Yeah.

Me: But it’s a real hedgehog right? You didn’t put up a poster because you lost one of those Belgian chocolates?

Kid: What?

Me: The thing you lost. It’s a real animal right?

Kid: It was. Is it dead now?

Me: No, I think it’s just resting.

Kid: Call out its name, see if it wakes up.

Me: It knows its name?

Kid: No. But if you say it loud enough it’ll wake up.

Me: (loudly) Hazelnut!

Kid: …

Me: …Um…

Kid: Did he wake up? Did he wake up?

Me: Um..

(clicking noise as I hang up.)


Kid: Hello? Hello? Oh no!


(I re-dial the number)

Kid: Hello?

Me: It’s me.

Kid: Hazelnut’s dead isn’t he?

Me: No, I was just fucking with you. Hazelnuts fine. Gimme your address and I’ll bring him right over.